2 birds on a perch
1 says can you smell fish!

How do you know theres an elephant in bed with you?

thers an 'E' on his pyjamas.

three bears in an airing cupboard, which one is in the army?
the one on the tank.

2 fish in a tank, 1 says how the hell do you drive this thing.

Paddy and murphy walking down the street and Paddy falls down a man hole. Murphy shouts down "is it dark down there Paddy". Paddy responds "dont know i cant see".
THE LONE RANGER

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy
Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the
great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be
executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you
three requests.What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my
horse."

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone
Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful
blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde
enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's
impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you
in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and
disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even
more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again
impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill
you tomorrow."What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my
horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought
to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by
both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully.
For the last time, I said, 'BRING POSSE!'"

_________________________________________________________

this in my opinion is the greatist joke ever penned.its called the black and white knight on the black and white horse.
it might be long but it is well worth reading.(plus it took me ages to type in)

A long time ago back in the middle
ages there was a king, this king was getting old. His one wish before he died
was to see his daughter married. So the king, wanting his future son in law to
be someone great and brave. So he set a quest to find the bravest suitor. The
quest was that anyone wishing to marry his daughter would have to find, kill and
cut off the balls of the big green scary monster, then return to the castle with
the balls in a bag as proof.par
Anyway years past and no one took on the challenge, until one day there was a
knock on the castle door. A guard opened the door and asked who was there and
the man replied "I'm the black and white knight on the black and white horse,
and i wish to see the king about the quest". The guard replied "Oooh the black
and white knight on the black and white horse, ive heard of you and your a scary
bastard come in." So the black and white knight on the black and white horse
accepted the quest off the king. The black and white knight on the black and
white horse set off into the woods in search of the big green scary monster.
After a day and half of riding he came across a hermit, "Hello" said the knight,
"Hello who are you?" asked the hermit. The knight replied "I'm the black and
white knight on the black and white horse, and im on a quest to find, kill and
cut off the balls of the big green scary monster, so i can marry the princess."
par
"Oooh the black and white knight on the black and white horse, ive heard of you
and your a scary bastard ,but i don't know where he is." replied the hermit. So
the black and white knight on the black and white horse rode on. A few days
later he came across a village and on entering said "Hello" to a villager, the
villager replied "Hello who are you?" the knight got off his horse and said "I'm
the black and white knight on the black and white horse and im on a quest to
find kill, and cut off the balls of the big green scary monster." par
"Oooh the black and white knight on the black and white horse, ive heard of you
and your a scary bastard but i don't know where he his." So the black and white
knight on the black and white horse, got back on his horse and rode on. He rode
for a week when in a clearing he came across a wizard, the wizard said "Hello
black and white knight on the black and white horse. I'm the wise wizard who
knows everything, i know you're on a quest to gain the hand in marriage of the
princess." par
"Wow" said the black and white night on the black and white horse."Do you know
where i can find the big green scary monster?" par
"Yes" said the wizard. "He lives in a land across the sea, if you go down to the
docks, which lie down the path to your right, you will see a boat which is
leaving for the land tonight." So the black and white night on the black and
white horse rode down to the dock. When he arrived it was just as the wizard had
said there was a boat leaving for the far off land. So the black and white night
on the black and white horse rode to the captain and said "Hello."par
"Hello who are you" said the captain. The knight replied "I am the black and
white night on the black and white horse and im on a quest to find kill, and cut
off the balls of the big green scary monster so i can marry the princess."par
"Oooh the black and white knight on the black and white horse, ive heard of you
and your a scary bastard come aboard". The boat set sail for ten days and ten
nights until one morning they landed on the far off land. The black and white
night on the black and white horse got off the boat, and set off in search of
the monster. It wasn't long before he came across a dwarf running for his life.
The black and white knight on the black and white horse said "Hello why are you
running."par
"I'm running away from the big green scary monster, and who are you anyway?"par
"I'm the black and white knight on the black and white horse and im on a quest
to find kill, and cut off the balls of the big green scary monster so i can
marry the princess."par
"Oooh the black and white knight on the black and white horse, ive heard of you
and your a scary bastard, he's that way but he'll kill you". So the black and
white knight on the black and white horse rode over the hill, and came face to
face with the big green scary monster. The big green scary monster said "Who are
you?" The black and white knight on the black and white horse said "I'm black
and white knight on the black and white horse and im here to kill you and cut
off your balls so i can marry the princess."par
"Oooooh the black and white knight on the black and white horse ive heard of you
your a scary bastard", said the monster, and with that he turned and fled. The
black and white knight on the black and white horse soon caught him and killed
him and cut off his balls. He set off back to the castle and on his way back
came across the dwarf, the dwarf said "Have you done it?"par
"Yes" replied the black and white knight on the black and white horse."Hooray
for the black and white knight on the black and white horse, he's found killed
and cut off the balls of the big green scary monster so now he can marry the
princess!!" The black and white knight on the black and white horse rode back to
the dock. When he got back to the boat the captain said "Have you done it?"par
"Yes" said the black and white knight on the black and white horse. "Hooray for
the black and white knight on the black and white horse, he's found, killed and
cut off the balls of the big green scary monster, so now he can marry the
princess, come aboard" said the captain. So ten days and ten nights later he
arrived back in his own land . He rode up the path into the woods when he came
across the wise old wizard , who said "Well done, now go and marry the princess"
He kept riding until he came across the village. The villagers asked him if he
had done it, and when he said "Yes" they all shouted "Hooray for the black and
white knight on the black and white horse , he's found, killed and cut off the
balls of the big green scary monster, so now he can marry the princess" he then
rode on. par
He then came across the hermits house, the hermit came out and said "Have you
done it?" par
"Yes" said the black and white knight on the black and white horse "I have."par
"Hooray for the black and white knight on the black and white horse , he's
found,killed and cut off the balls of the big green scary monster, so now he can
marry the princess" said the hermit. The black and white knight rode on. When he
arrived at the castle door and knocked, the guard looked surprised to see him.He
said "Hello black and white knight on the black and white horse, have you done
it?"par
"Yes" said the black and white knight on the black and white horse. "Hooray for
the black and white knight on the black and white horse, he's found, killed and
cut off the balls of the big green scary monster, so now he can marry the
princess come in!!" said the guard, and he opened the door. The black and white
knight on the black and white horse walked into the throne room. The king said
"Have you done it?" The black and white knight said "Yes i have" and showed the
king the monster's balls. The king said "Hooray for the black and white knight
on the black and white horse, he's found, killed and cut off the balls of the
big green scary monster, so now he can marry my daughter, and be a brave future
king along side my daughter."
The king told the knight to go to the princess' quarters and introduce himself,
so he did. He tapped gently on the princess' door and waited for a reply.
"Come in" he heard a voice say, so he entered. The princess was the most
beautiful girl he had ever seen, then she said "Well who are you and how can i
help you?" The black and white knight replied "I'm the black and white knight on
the black and white horse , and I've found, killed and cut off the balls of the
big green scary monster, so now i can marry you."
And the princess said "I'VE NEVER HEARD OF YOU"